My Story (end)

Awalnya blog ini cuma di pakai untuk tugas kuliah saja, tapi berhubung sekaramg sudah tidak kuliah blog ini tak ada gunanya. Aku cuma ingin mengluarkan isi hati walau tak ada yang baca dari pada nggak ada gunanya. Aku sudah hampir 3 tahun nganggur dirumah. And i'm so lost, i dont know what to do. Kadang aku berpikir apa lebih baik aku menghilang, or die. Lagian tidak ada orang yang akan kehilangan banyak bila aku tak ada. I'm no one, i'm nothing. Not a single bit special.I have nobody special, my friends are busy with their own life, my dad is busy with his new whore, and my mom is struggling. i'm just a burden, if i'm gone its not gonna make a big different. i want so desperately to be special for at least one human being. but of course there is no one. i wanted to loved, to be cared. I want so badly for someone to hug me and say everything gonna be okay. i know i'm whining and acting unmatured. i should just suck it up, and find a job or something. But i'm afraid, i don't know what to do. I don't know what i wanna do. I'm clueless, i'm so damn lost. I don't see the light, all i see is darkness.
my dad said that i'm a drama queen because i tried to cut my self with a knife. but it wasn't me acting up, it was me wanted to feel pain physically, because it hurt so much mentally that i have to physically hurt myself just to get back to reality and stop crying. pada awalnya pergelangan tangan kiri ku banyak luka goresan sehingga kalau keluar rumah harus pakai plester. Tapi sekarang aku sudah tidak melukai diriku sendiri. Because i dont wanna be a cutter, and everytime i cut myself satu-satunya hal yg aku pikirkan adalah gimana kalu aku menusukan lebih dalam sehingga darah yang hangat mengalir keluar apa akan ada yang peduli, atau aku akan di biarkan kehabisan darah. Every time i cut myself, i always imagine that i cut my wrist open in front of my dad let the blood ooze out and tell him that this was his fault. But i never did that because i fear that my dad that just gonna watch me die, and be happy about it. i guess i still wanna live, i wanna be alive . but its hard right know to stay positive, i want some help but i dont know how to asked for it. i always imagine that somebody would guide me and embrace me to a better way. But i know thats bull shit.